whew...took a ride down King st. for the first time this winter term, and went all the way into downtown Kitchener. nothing much to see though this time, just checked out a couple tattoo shops, the usual retail stores, but oh man...i gotta do something about this shopping problem of mine: i left home @ 1pm, only to come back 5 hrs later, and $325 poorer! dude...that's a spending rate of like...over $60/hr. Just imagine, if i made $60/hr x 40hrs/week x 4 weeks/month x 12 months/year....that's like over 100K a year! yeesh...and looking at the fact that i haven't been working for the past couple months because of school, i'd say i'm screwing myself over big time here.
man, why am i rambling on about my own lack of self-control, when it seems like there's such an OBVIOUS answer to this overspending? i wish it were that simple. i'm not too sure exactly when i got so caught up in this material world, being so concerned about money and possessions and such, but looking back now i have a pretty good idea when it started. it's not like i'm not AWARE of this thing, i mean there were times in the past when i tried to tackle this problem head-on using pure will power, but it always seems to creep back up on me sooner or later. i think i'm using the wrong mentality to deal w/ this one though, it's not like i can just clench my teeth and beat this beast. no, although i may be freakishly good at enduring/tolerating physical pain, i've got a baby's tolerance level when it comes to this.
all is not lost though, i mean since coming out to 'loo i have to say i've gotten a lot better w/ the splurging, mostly b/c of the student environment around here i guess. i mean hey where else could i have found a shirt for $2, pants for $5, and find so much stuff on sale? i ride my bike everywhere (for free!), i get paper towels/toilet paper for free, hey i even make my own furniture out of cardboard! now this is skill:
i'm slowly getting better (ever so slowly), but i guess today was just one of those times where i "fell" and got greedy. Only God can help me help myself out on this one i think, i just have to do my best to guard myself and resist buying all this crap that i DON'T NEED.
i used to think that i needed to buy more things so that i could be content. but now, if anything, buying all this stuff and having to feel bad about it afterwards just makes me feel discontent! i think that my feeling this dissatisfaction with myself about being too greedy at least brings me a step closer towards understanding the truth in what Paul said:
Philippians 4:11-12 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
i guess i finally started to discover the beauty of this secret about 2 years ago, when i really did have "nothing". i say "nothing" meaning that i had none of the material/worldly things that i would count as positive things in my life. not only were money and possessions taken away, but even my pride and self-awareness were stripped away. i was left broken and alone. a body and soul, naked vulnerable to this merciless world, but thankfully not alone...
haai...ok point is i was blessed and made it out of that deep dark hole. Not on my own, but with lots of help from family, friends, and a God who truly loves me. I guess all this rambling on about being careful not to spend too much money and stuff is just my way of poking myself in the ass to remind me not to fall into that pit again. yeah that's it...raph ur such a dumbass...hahaha ok, that's enough outta me. man this was one long post, stop reading now. get away from your computer, go eat something!